While my one hand is typing this, my other hand is swatting and crushing tiny insects. Tons of tiny, annoying insects. And I'm in a library, tucked into a poorly lit corridor. The gnats are upon us. And we're being told there's nothing we can do about it.
They showed up Monday morning. Because I don't "do" mornings, I was unaware of the plague until just before 1:00 pm that afternoon, as I strolled to my first class of the day. I had just gotten out of the shower. I love showers, and I take them all the time. As I walked to class, I noticed a few tiny gnats swarming around me, occasionally landing upon my flesh. I didn't do a lot of shooing, as I feel that anybody swatting flies as they walk down the street looks like a filthy bum. I just kept walking tall, as if the gnats didn't exist.
But they didn't leave once I got to my lecture. We watched a silent film that day, and as the gnats hounded me while I watched the movie, I couldn't help but swat a bit. I had to swat them off of my skin, because they itched (and they're plain icky). I had to swat them from my immediate area, as they were blocking my field of vision. All this swatting was very distracting for me, and probably even more distracting for those around me. I began to wonder why the gnats were following me. Was I smelly? Did the shower not "take"?
That's a little glimpse into the neurosis that comes with being Citizen Steve. Rather than observe that these bugs were clearly buzzing into every nook and cranny of the entire Midwest, I had myself convinced that I was encased in a small cloud of filth following me around campus, not unlike Pigpen of Peanuts fame.
Yesterday the Daily Illini told me some things that I didn't want to hear. But, such is the job of any newspaper worth their sawdust, eh? They told me (in large headline form) to not call the bugs "gnats". For my information, they're in fact "soybean aphids". Today I heard a nerdy kid on Green Street say "Ah, these damn aphids!" and I almost punched him in his face. I'm sticking with gnats. Sue me.
Secondly, the DI told me that prevention efforts against these things would be "impractical" and "a waste of time". Bunch of tree huggers, if you ask me. Well, if they won't tell you how to get rid of these things, Citizen Steve will: Squash 'em. Squash the daylights out of them. There! I squashed one just now. It felt good. It still feels good. I'm getting a little power trip out of this. To hell with meditation- I just found my new source of empowerment: squashin' bugs, the American way.
Speaking of America, another remedy for the gnats is Budweiser. After a few golden pints last night, I forgot what a gnat was. I also forgot what Indian food does to my stomach on top of those pints, hence my slow morning today. But I digress.
I'm told that the gnats will be all but gone in about a week. Until then, squash away, and don't wear that bug spray stuff around campus. I hate the way that stuff smells. Thank you.
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