***Editor's note: This blog post was inspired by a Hardee's Thickburger™ that Citizen Steve once ate, and the packaging that it came in. The Citizen was still in his usual, post-Thickburger™ state of delirium when he wrote it, so it is pretty confusing. In an attempt to minimize your confusion, I will re-print here the tale that inspired this work of fan fiction: The Thickburger™ Story.
"Fellow Burger Lovers,
A few years ago when I became president of Hardee's™ Restaurants, we were selling so many things that we had truly become a 'Jack of all trades and master of none.'
Unfortunately, in today's competitive fast-food world, that wasn't cutting it. The chain needed to become known for doing something really well again; just as it did in its early years when people could 'hurry on down to Hardee's™, where the burgers are charco-broiled.'
So, I challenged my menu development folks to come up with a new line of burgers that would make people say, 'Wow! I can't believe I can get burgers that good at a fast-food place!' And they did. They came up with the thick 1/3, 1/2, and 2/3-pound burgers, every one char-broiled to order and made with 100% Angus beef. They made the buns heavier and a little sweeter, and then they buttered and grilled them like you'd find at great burger joints. They used sliced red onions, which no other chain was doing at the time, and they even used better pickles. And, they called them 'Thickburgers™'.
I truly love a great burger and I can honestly say that Thickburgers™ are not only as good as any I have had at any restaurant, but they are even better than I can make at home. If you don't agree with me that these are the best-tasting fast-food burgers you can get anywhere, just let me know and I'll happily refund your money.
Sincerelely,
Andy Puzder
President"
Now, without further ado, I present...***
The Thickburger Saga
A Made-for-Blogging Series.
by: Citizen Steve
written in the first-person point of view of Andy Puzder, President, Hardee's Inc.
Three months ago, I was sitting in my office at Hardee's™ corporate headquarters, staring through my spotless floor-to-ceiling window at the Gateway Arch, imagining that it was half of a giant onion ring, when I grew restless. Oh, hell, who am I kidding. I had been restless for months. Ever since I had flipped the Hardee's menu upside-down, the Thickburgers™ were flying out the drive-thru window like McDonald's hotcakes before 10:30 am, and the cash was pouring into my bank account, not unlike country gravy pouring over a Loaded Biscuit 'N Gravy Breakfast Bowl™. And yet, the restlessness grew. I knew I had to get out of that office. Hell, out of St. Louis altogether. I had been slouching in that cozy Midwestern lifestyle for too damn long. I needed to break loose; I needed to sin.
-----------------
Las Vegas can be pretty damn hot come late July. And boy, when you're spending ten-hour shifts over the Natural Cut Fry™ machine, your ass can get hotter than a Southwest Chicken Salad™ with extra chili pepper sauce. It didn't help that Slim Valentino and his goomba suits were in the shop breathing down my neck two times a day. My assistant manager, sweet little Carla, would ask why I don't just duck back into drive-thru station #1 when Slim's boys came barking. Sweet Carla. She was always looking out for me. She could never understand that a man stands behind his Thickburgers™, no matter how many greasy wops the family sends his way.
The arrangement was supposed to be simple. Slim and his posse keep John Law away from my Hardee's™, and in return I have one hundred Thickburgers™ delivered to the Paisano Room every night by nine o'clock, no exceptions. That way I could hawk my new specialty menu item without the Nevada Gaming Commission running me out of town, and Slim's boys could enjoy the finest and most satisfying burgers in the fast-food industry every night, free of cost. A simple plan, agreed upon by two very complex men- myself, and Slim Valentino.
The condiments came first. A few weeks into our arrangement, I start getting messages like, "Lips Clamato don't like no mustard," or, "Don't you try gettin' Chucky Febreezy to suck down mayo." So I obliged. But when those guineas started ordering specialty burgers, I was about ready to send them to Burger King. How's a man supposed to keep track of which of these degos wants two Six Dollar Thickburgers™ and which one just wants a 1/3 lb. Low-Carb Thickburger™? Slim was putting on the pressure. And when I start feeling the pressure, I get cooking. Fast.
***Will Andy take a stand against Slim and his gangsters? And what is his new specialty menu item that would have the NGC up in arms? Find out in the next installment of The Thickburger Saga!***
No comments:
Post a Comment